She
by HaloGatomon
Summary: On his 21st birthday, Alan Tracy ponders on the past and what could've been.


Title: She  
Author: Halo Son  
Fandom: Thunderbirds  
Verse: Mixture of both  
Rating: PG  
Genre: AU/Angst  
Summary: On his 21st birthday, Alan Tracy ponders on the past and what could've been.  
A/N: Since Alan's birthday is 12th March I wanted to write a birthday fic for him. I was listening to 'Smaointe' by Enya on repeat when I got this interesting plot bunny and decided to write it. I was going to wait to post it until 12th March, but I really want to post it so I am.

**She**

It's 12th March.

Today is my birthday, crossing a milestone at 21.

Not once in the space of today have I received a call from down below on Earth to wish me such.

There was a rescue earlier, a pretty hectic one, so I understand that they've been busy.

But the rescue ended five hours ago and still not one word of celebration for reaching 21.

Guess they're all thinking of _Her_. Guess they're all thinking of _Them_.

It's not just my birthday today. It's also the horribly painful reminder of what they've lost, whom they've lost.

On my 18th birthday there was an argument and a bombshell dropped upon me, by accident they say, that there could've been six Tracy children.

Six.

Dad talked to me in the evening of that day, told me everything. He said mom and he had been delighted to discover the last children would be twins.

Twins. I had a twin.

I guess it makes sense in some way. The intensity of the arguments with dad and my brothers before I was a Thunderbird, the reluctance of their part of let me join the team, I suppose that was protectiveness. I used to feel separated from them, cut off from the family and that no one knew me, I suppose that was because of a gap that I didn't know was there.

People say that the bond between twins is one of the strongest in the world and that there's always a hole in the soul of one twins when the other is gone. Of course I didn't know I had a twin until my 18th birthday, but the hole was there and I just didn't know what it was. I also guess that's why Gordon and I became the closest brothers; his presence half filled the gap, but could never heal it completely.

I was angry and hurt that they never told me and they probably might never have, I still hold those feelings, even though I said to them that I had forgiven them for it. John's not the only one who's learned to wear a mask at the appropriate occasions. I wonder if they all wear masks, especially around me.

Dad said mom had gotten ill just before we were born and the complications during birth only weakened her body further and that's why she died. I was born first, the fifth son, the twin who lived. 'She' was born second, the surprise daughter that everyone wanted, the twin who died.

I know John and Virgil used to have intense dislike towards me when I was a child, as I got older I assumed it was because they blamed me for mom's death. Now I know it was most likely resentment, resentment that I lived when mom, and the other twin who could've been a wonderful and beautiful sister, died. I wonder if they still feel resentment towards me. I wonder if dad, Scott and Gordon feel the same.

People say it's useless to dwell on 'what-if's' and 'what could've been's', but wouldn't you do so in my place? What-if 'She' had been born first? What could've been if she had lived? What would've been different in this family if they had had a sister that lived and not another brother?

Dad said that when mom and he had been talking about names they would've called a girl Alanna, since they had both decided that a boy would be called Alan. Dad said they thought it right considering we were twins.

My name is in her name and I have to carry that with me.

She would've been 21 today.

The hours have passed, the time has flown. Back down home it would be drawing into night, no wonder I'm beginning to feel tired. But it's not feeling tired in just my body, it's my mind too.

Can you imagine trying to cope after discovering you had a twin, who died along with your mother when you were born, a sister no less whom everyone wanted? It hurts you know, it hurts a lot. It makes you think. It makes you wonder. It makes you wish.

It makes you wish that your mother had lived. It makes you wish that you had died instead of your sibling. It makes the gap you think exists between you and your family get wider.

One thing that the knowledge did that everyone knows about is that it stopped the arguments. I was given my chance, I became a Thunderbird and the all-out arguments ceased. They all think it's because I was finally allowed to become a Thunderbird that I stopped fighting with them, the truth is I'm too busy wondering and wishing to argue anyone.

I'm tired of arguing too.

It's lonely you know, being up here in Thunderbird 5 on your own on your birthday and no one has bothered to call and say, "Happy 21st Birthday Alan!" or "Happy Birthday bro!"

I gaze over the various panels and screens for about the 1 millionth time before deciding I should probably head to bed. My 21st birthday was just another ordinary day.

A flashing light on the console halts my progress and I turn back as I look at it.

An incoming call from Base.

I sit back down in the chair, mask automatically slipping silently over my face as I open the communications between here and home. Gordon's grinning face comes on the screen.

"Hey Gordon! What's up? You look like a cat that's just gotten the canary." I hear myself say with a grin.

"Oh I wish!" Gordon laughs. "No pranks today baby bro. Just called up to wish you a very happy 21st birthday."

"Took you long enough." I say without fully registering the words in my head. "The day's just about gone."

Gordon's face looks pained for a moment and genuine sorrow fills his eyes.

"I'm really sorry Al, we're really sorry." He says. "After the rescue Brains was trying to make some modifications to some systems and they crashed. It's been all-hands-on-deck trying to repair them."

I sigh and use the mask to smile lopsidedly.

"Okay, I understand." I say.

"We've all been out on the balcony, looking up at the sky and stars, making a toast to your 21st birthday." Gordon said. "Besides bro, we're arranging a big party for you when you've finished your term of duty in Thunderbird 5 next week. We can celebrate properly then."

"Alright, I forgive you." I chuckle.

"Thanks Al, you're one in a million bro!"

I feel myself smile and for a moment it reaches my eyes. Trust Gordon to lift my spirits a bit.

They rise even more when, seemingly from no where, the rest of the family on Tracy Island pour into dad's office when they realise Gordon's talking with me and begin to sign 'Happy Birthday' to me really loudly. After that they talk to me about the rescue the mayhem that's been happening after that.

"Dad?" I ask just before everyone plans on heading off to bed after the chatting. "When I get back...can Thunderbird 5 go on autopilot for the day? I want John to be at my party too."

I see pleasant surprise creep on to John's face and dad's smile gives me the answer before he says it.

"Of course Alan."

I smile in return, "Thanks dad. Good night then you guys, see you next week."

They all yell over each other their replies to me.

"Goodnight son. Remember we love you and we're always thinking of you." Dad says. "Goodnight Alan."

The communications between me and home close and I'm left to sit and contemplate what's just happened. Part of me feels elated, another part saddened.

'She' should be there to celebrate our birthday together, so should mom.

But I guess in a sense, they are.

Mom is a part of me because she's my mother and 'She' is a part of me because she's my twin. I guess everyone has learned that and so should I.

I can't stifle a yawn as it leaves my lips. I stand from the chair and head into my sleeping accommodation. I close the door then sit on the bed and peer out the window, out into the stars sparkling and shinning brightly all around me.

I think of mom.

I think of her.

I think of my family.

I realise that I'm grateful that I didn't die as well. I'm grateful that I'm here to remember them and to keep their memories alive.

"Goodnight mom."

I smile.

"Goodnight Alanna. Happy Birthday sis."

**FIN**


End file.
